https://youtu.be/8DJtNI0TSMo (video upload is currently not working -- music video for "my own LIGHT" can be accessed at this link... also please forgive the chaotic orientation of this post, something is wrong with wix editor tool rn!!! will hopefully be fixed soon!!)
THEMES AND SYMBOLS
1. REBIRTH / AWAKENING – matching visuals to the lyrics, embryo building even when your back is facing away from the moon, praying to mother moon, letting go of Hell(en’s) hold on me
2. LIGHT AND DARK – i am the light through the dark, through the darkness, the blinding light
3. STARS, MOON, SKY – looking to beyond, the universe for safety and understanding
4. SUFFERING AND PAIN – journey, path, developing in front of your eyes
5. DEATH AND LETTING GO – knives blunted because i accept my suffering, image wiped by white
6. FIRE – light in the flames, lightning striking out of palms, lightning being gory glory, you must burn and hurt in order to bring on and in the healing, red FAITH as flames in lettering and background, line about burning your urn, rebirth in the fire, burning out like a candle, becoming anew with the candle so a part of you that it can withstand being apart from your body, burning in Hell, burning bright despite Helen, connect first lyric to embryo scene
7. EYES – insight: sight hides inside the chaos and layers, enlarges with each step towards
8. FAITH – in the future, towards the future inside of faith, all aspects of self and identity weaved into faith, contained securely within its walls, each letter of faith begins the phrase inside, symbiotic
9. WATER / BODIES – bodies of water containing bodies, creatures, components of corporeal beings; sea, whirlpool/whirlwind, winding river, overlapping waves, shades of blue w/ reflections
PART 1 -- WHAT I DID / WHAT YOU SEE
VISUAL AND LYRICAL COMPONENTS
VISUAL 1 (+LYRICS)
And in the moonlight / I know I’m alright
And in the farewell / I know you’re going
to Hell / It’s never fair / The pain you bear / But I’ll always have the light / And even when it’s night / I’ll always have my sight / I’ll always be by my side / So when our hearts collide / I know I’ll be alright / I know I’ll be alright / I know I’ll be alright / I know / I am The light / I am the light / And the joy inside is only mine / No one can steal my shine / No one can steal my shine /
And I’ll always be fine
VISUAL 2 (+LYRICS)
Because / I’m flying
I’m flying / I’m soaring
High / I’m soaring / High
And I’ll always be / Mine
My / My / And I’m always Gonna be / Gonna be
Going far / No matter where you are / I am always gonna be / A star / I'm always destined to be / A star
VISUAL 3 (+LYRICS)
I know my journey's gonna take me
Down a winding road / It's gonna be a heavy load / Lord
I know pain / But the suffering / Is part of life / Without strife
VISUAL 4 (+LYRICS)
I'd die by my knife / I know / I know I have learned / My worth / I know I have burned / Your urn
VISUAL 5 (+LYRICS)
You're in the ground / I have found / some semblance of safety / Knowing your gone / Knowing your wrong / Knowing my own song / Captures my story / In all its gory glory / And I'm not sorry
VISUAL 6 (+LYRICS)
For telling you /
I'll never be sorry /
For screaming
my truth / It was my youth to feel a burden
VISUAL 7 (+LYRICS)
But take this as your warning / I will not go down / Crying / Over you / Take this as your mourning / Cuz I won't cry
VISUAL 8 (+LYRICS)
For you / No I won't cry / I wanna
be / In my eyes / I wanna be / Free/
Of your lies / I already / Am my
own / I don't need / Anybody / To
tell me of my worth / And this is
a moment of re- / birth / Rebirth /
Rebirth / I'm bursting at the
seams it seems I have / So
much more along this path
VISUAL 9 (+LYRICS)
So much more to explore to adore / I am my
own / I am my own / I am my own / My own
VISUAL 10 (+LYRICS)
Light / My own light
PART 2 -- WHY I DID IT / WHY YOU SEE IT
CONTEXTUALIZING CREATIVITY
fear of creating my original project idea (childhood nightmare sequence) -- lyrics about helen (the woman who molested me) not taking over my story/light – in fact my light took over her role in my story, she plays the villain, but is unable to portray herself because my light is stronger and unshakable, able to shake her and take her on vs be taken over
harpies are hidden throughout the images, but are also contained and overlaid, so much so as to erase them... therefore, they lose their ability to stand out and instead they blend into / are covered up by a larger landscape -- blunted knives (without strife, i would die by my knife) -- pain as a pathway towards living my truth, i learned from my struggles and trauma... i am guided by my genuine care for myself and others; i have a fully developed understanding of and devotion to my life purpose
freestyle singing / freeform illustration as manifestation and therefore, as divination and automatic creation -- i felt like i HAD to sing right then and there, and though unknown to me at the time of recording, i realized the next day that i did so to prep myself for the next day’s chaos
(video) editing is key to creating -- To me, being an editor is like being a detective. I uncover the truth of my truth by sorting through pieces of my past works, assembling them into a presentable pattern like quilted patchwork, thus transforming the sporadic into the serial. Editing is the process of taking responsibility and accountability for your words and beliefs, a sustainable practice for self-exploration and negotiation, a way to discover what works and what can use some work and an opportunity for growth through the willingness to change and rearrange.
POST-CREATION: CALMING EFFECT -- i fall asleep every night to this song now
applying to america’s got talent -- remembering and embracing my inherent talent ie. my voice and my light which must be shared to and for the world -- music as a way to spread joy and security in self, to help others recognize their own light / self-love / ability to overcome
last page of my memoir, SADBOI, before the afterward/workbook, will be a QR code linking to this music video: showing how the journey through pain and suffering leads to finding your own light and creating it post-awakening; the power of belief and faith, in god and rebirth, in self-respect / empathy for self is a way to heal and lead -- SADBOI serves as a proof of concept for the 5S (Spirituality, Sexuality, Storytelling, Social Work and Sustainability) Model, a new form of holistic art therapy that I have been developing and which I incorporate within my own life and work. By using myself as “test subject,” the memoir as a whole demonstrates a real-world application of its methodology and proof of its efficacy.
To help the reader further pursue their own healing journey, SADBOI’s foreward will explain the 5S Model and its afterward will provide a mini-workbook of 5S skills-based exercises – or 5Skills as I like to call it – ranging from step-by-step instructions to follow, open-ended prompts to answer, semi-rhetorical questions to consider, guided meditations to practice, and communal activities to facilitate. 5Skills include: Freestyle as Divination, Musomancy and Automatic E-Creation.
PART 3 -- PERSONAL REFLECTION / EVALUATION
CONCEPTUAL ISSUES (AUDIO) / TECHNICAL ISSUES (VIDEO)
visuals were the hardest part – at first – was doubting my creative process ie. where/what/when videos should be incorporated into the music video – almost deleted entire project because i thought it was bad, but decided on cutting multiple scenes out instead – one of which was a time-lapse recording of a green drawing i made on procreate (it felt wrong to include – there was no green in the dream either, which was a part of my original project idea) – i also deleted all visuals that were not time-lapse recordings of procreate drawings because they did not flow in the same way / feel natural to the progression of the story which the song told – still drawings were too static, photographs were too realistic and therefore unrealistic for a dreamlike song... after going back to my video three days later, I realized everything fit perfectly and that what I deleted left room for a new visual I made which started out as me trying to force a drawing of me flying in the moonlight. I eventually gave up and allowed myself to flow with the process, which shook me to my core and resulted in constantly morphing and shifting form. I saved the still image but the time-lapse recording was what really represented the feelings behind making the piece. I put it into the video right where i left off and it fit perfectly within it – directly falling on the lines about rebirth – a lonely embryo facing away from the light but carrying his own light on his back – the candlelight – then finished off the video by placing in at random a video edit i made two months ago of clips from arca’s concert – which perfectly aligned with the lyrics – i am my own light – and mirrored the beginning visual sequence, this time larger than life and also made of clips in real life – creating a reality from the light and the manipulation of its shape and form.