tw: mentions of dv / rape
MUSOMANCY: musical manifestations from the messages in my mind which illuminate what i'm meant to find… for there is magic within the worlds of words, the words of worlds beyond this earth … i close my eyes to feel the chimes, they chant the lines of godly signs… to seek the meaning, i read these rhymes, release to the waves which climb my sides… i heal my heart
with every beat, i save my healing by accepting defeat, for the feat of truth, the truth of faith requires a risk of certain stakes… the flow of what's seen from out of space is something that takes as much as it makes… i must accept what it's like to be blind, for the golden light hides behind blinds, glory is heard while my mind's eye’s climbs to the bass as the tune...
... NEVER-HEARD-BEFORE SONGS STUMBLED UPON WHILE PRAYING (just to name a few) …
MESSAGES FROM THE STARS – heard this phrase while tuning in the frequency of the symbol i see whenever i pray (5284 hz i have discovered) as well as the phrase it’s all in front of me – if only i would let myself see it… and when i got home from skating free of fear for once, i did just that, i saw it. after living in the same apartment for a whole year, i noticed my symbol on the wall of the church across the street, directly in eye line from my window.
GLOWED UP – full moon playlist – first time i ever prayed, first time i ever heard the music in this magical way, first time i looked to the moon in a spiritual sense, first time i felt an ounce of hope after being raped again during quarentine in 2020.
MOONRISING – queer jewish musician, Alice Cohen, from nyc obsessed with alice in wonderland like me, made me realize my dreams could be reality and i had a right to sing with pride and belief in my own voice. I emailed her and she responded in two days. TWO DAYS. she told me to keep making music and never give up faith.
THE MIRACLE OF MIRAH – queer anti-zionist jewish musician from nyc like me – kept hearing the phrase radiomind while having an insomnia-stirred panic attack. Looked up the phrase and came across her song of the same name. fell asleep within 5 minutes of listening.
THOUGHT IS JUST A PASSING TRAIN – the way i see my thoughts in my brain
BUTTERFLY – a reminder to forgive my father, as best as i can. Called him right after listening, after a year of radio silence.
THREE DIMENSIONS DEEP – wonderland is near, so is hope, god bless amber mark
LIMBO – song played by accident as my wake-up alarm … “down the rabbit hole again”, while working on my WNDRLD card deck – in particular the scene of Alice’s descent down the hole
HER NAME IS ALICE – and so is mine. I kept hearing this phrase during a panic attack
CORALINE – as i was writing about my similar traumatic experiences to this character, i looked up her name in Apple Music for inspiration. The song of the same name by 350 referenced the same trauma I was writing about at the time.
I FEEL SAFE WITH YOU, TRASH – of Montreal, have had many phrases pop into my head that i realized were their lyrics… never heard this band before. Some have led me to some dark places.
BUT WAIT! A WORD OF DIRE WARNING:
IF YOU ARE OUT OF TUNE, YOU WILL TUNE IN TO THIS SORT OF TRUTH ...
this is the danger of musomancy, for the music does not discriminate its sources
EXAMPLE: THE STAND BY STEPHEN KING — Nadine, who is desperate to be of use and drowned by her guilt, is traveling to meet the dark man, the devil in disguise... she walks through the desert towards the west and suddenly hears "peaceful easy feeling" by the eagles in the back of her mind ... a warning call -- "i want to sleep with you in the desert tonight with a million stars all around" -- the dark man appears, rapes her and she becomes an incubator for his demon spawn.
EXAMPLE: "idfc" -- right after having an NDE in January 2021, I heard this song on repeat... it was my ex's favorite. I had blocked out the fact that he had raped me and felt that it was a sign from God to bring him back into my life. a week later, my roommate came back from vacation and told me she had heard that same song in a dream a few days before, which made me come to believe that I had to introduce them. so I did. he showed us his second favorite song the night he came over, "monster". the day before, my roommate heard that same song randomly come on shuffle while listening to her playlist about a mysterious lover that had been haunting her dreams for months ("monster" was not on the playlist). she had also gotten sober a month before, on December 14th -- his birthday -- sign after sign, messages from God coming my way through musical renderings. or so I thought. skipping ahead quite a few months now... its all too messed up for words. they started dating and I was so happy for them. perhaps too happy, too invested, hooked on holy. except none of this was holy. it was hell. He raped her too, then broke into her new apartment after she broke up with him. And I was the reason they met. I was so desperate to be of use, like Nadine, so desperate to make sense of it all. I was out of tune, tuning in to the devilish beats which made their way to me for I was open to listening.