He want(s)(ed) me to be like Lizzo. Free. She gives in to pleasure and connection with self. I do too. But here’s my conundrum: he want(s)(ed) those two things to occur concurrently. Or at least, he fully embrace(s)(ed) the idea of those two things occurring concurrently. Cultivating, together (rather, composting me as he shit on me).
I (thought I had) found one of my togethers. He got me. Earned me (as if my worth could be defined by transaction)... No, not entirely. That is black and white. He connected with me mutually (what a fraud), because he acted in ways that supported my wellbeing and growth (a lie we told ourselves). Connection is complex. No ownership, if mutual and above all, if kind (as it should be, at least I had the right idea for my future, back then).
There’s a reason together is spelled to-get-her after all. More on that whole concept. He gets me too (why?). Just inherently knows. Maybe not knows. But he acknowledges pain (to use it against you when he needed to pick me up and throw me around mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, devotionally?). Remind(s)(ed) me I am (was) safe (after beating me down, biting my skin... a false form of loving aftercare). Turns down the noise in my head. Listen(s)(ed) to me. Like, really listens to me, not just hears me. He put(s) in the time and energy to love and appreciate and communicate (when he wanted my credit card and no complaints from my end). He protects (pretends) and he helps (pelts) and he heals (steals). He wants to heal (steal) us all.
Together (always, always alone).
Sometimes, I separate from myself. Forget the present.. Forget I’m myself. Forget myself exists. So... disconnected... so devoid of feeling yet overloaded with it as well. With grief for myself.
Let me try and spell it out for you guys. My thoughts, I mean. From now to then, then to now, the who and the how... will I figure myself out someday, somehow?
**************************************************************** The Manifesting Stoner
“I-can’t-form-words-with-my-moutn-right-now-and-communicate-how-i-feel-in-a-way-that-makes- sense-to-others-or-that-could-be-rerpsented-to-others-in-a-comprehensible-way-fucking-fuckkk”
****************************************************************
Sometimes, I flicker out. It’s like melting wax burn down a candlestick.
I love melting wax.
I love when it touches me.
<<< WELTING MAX >>> \ \ \ \ //// ******
*****
MELTING WAX
[ ]
Touches me Caresses me
Soothes me.
__________________
Lets me
forget me.
[ ]
Lets me go.
Lets me breathe.
And so, I let it in, for me.
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